Archive for November, 2010

Question : HEY YOU! Would you kindly critique my work?
Chapter One
The small mobile house on 3 Yucca Street was a bit of an eye sore. Its homely gray paint was chipping along side the cracked windows. Tiles from the roof littered the weeds below. The warped wood porch sank to the ground next to a sign baring the words “FOR SALE”. The young girl who lived in this unpleasant house was perched in front of this sign. Her pale pink flats were buried in the dust. Her red hair rippled in the hot breeze as her deep blue eyes focused on the sign as though they were permanently fixed there. She wore a grin that was almost corrupt in a way.
The girl’s starring contest with the sign was broken when she heard a screech similar to a nail on a chalk board. It was her screen door opening. It was merely a metal frame with netting nailed to it.
“Rosalyn? When did you get home?” The lady behind the door starred at Rosalyn with interest. She eyed Rosalyn’s muted green dress, which was draped over pastel purple tights. The lady pulled her head back into the door mumbling something Rosalyn recognized as “Fashion these days…”
“Coming Mother.” Rosalyn sounded less then enthusiastic. She grabbed her school bag from the weed bush in which she dropped it.
Rosalyn walked up her lousy porch. Just as her hand touched the door knob, she felt a sharp pain in her ankle. Her eyes quickly looked down, her foot fell through the porch. “Well, this, this right here, is absolutely splendid!” Of course she didn’t mean this. She lifted her foot out of the newly made hole and proceeded inside.
The inside of the small mobile house 3 Yucca Street was not much better than the outside. The large space that was the living room, kitchen and dining room was the first thing you saw. Too the right was a small hallway with to doors. Rosalyn limped through the first door, which was varnished with posters of guitars and signs such as “Hello Loser”. These signs were posted against Rosalyn’s will.
“You look like bovine finklematter!” a voice yelled as soon as Rosalyn crossed the thresh hold. A girl around 16 years old was in the room. She was wearing dark skinny jeans and a bright yellow tube top. Her hair, like Rosalyn’s, was maroon red. Unlike Rosalyn’s short choppy length of hair, the girls went down to her rib cage.
“Nice observation PBJ” Rosalyn chuckled as she flopped onto her bed, and lie among the pastel colors of her comforter.
“Why must you call me that?” the girl frowned as she sat on the bed in the other corner of the room. Her comforter was bright pink with animal prints.
“Well, Penelope is P Belle is B and Jones is J. Shall we review?” Rosalyn smiled at Penelope, or PBJ as she called her.

thoughts suggestions ext.
=)
PS this isnt the whole first chapter
PSS This story changes real fast (it is NOT another cliche awkward girl crap)
=)
down comforters on sale

Best answer:

Answer by Lia♥
Okay, one thing I could tell from the first paragraph was that it was very descriptive. A little too descriptive. Not every noun needs an adjective. Other than that, pretty good. Keep practicing.